What's Your Name Again?

How the hell do you decide what someone is going to be called for the rest of their life?

No. I mean really...How do you decide?

I think that Henry and I thought that we would be all about using family names.

My name, my Late Grandfather's name, and my Uncle's name is William. I go by Joel. My Grandfather was Willie. My Uncle is Sammy.

Henry's Grandfather's name was Manuel or Manolo.

I though I had it sewed up in my head...William Manolo Amador-Batten.

That was it...when the idea of naming a child was just that...an idea.

But I don't want to call a kid Will, Willie, Bill, or Manny. I just don't.

Who knew that someone, who thought that they'd always be so traditionalist when it came to naming a kid, would throw the idea out the window??? I always imagined it being such a show of respect and love to name a child like this. I still believe that. But, maybe it's just not for us.

So, being obsessive as I am naturally inclined to be, I buy a book of baby names. A giant one!!!

I go crazy looking. I make a short list. I harass Henry into making a list, at first. He slowly gets into it.

Now, we're suggesting names to one another, shooting down each other's ideas, and trying to figure out what the hell to call a kid.

At this point we've moved a little past the initial craziness of the "pregnancy situation" that we are currently involved in. It's a lot to handle on an intellectual and emotional level.

This post probably won't see the light of day until we're a little closer to our due date.

We are, though, letting ourselves have just this little bit of fun, amid the uncertainty we're living with at the moment. We have time.

Your Heartbeat

August 30, 2011

That's the date that heard your heart beat for the very first time.

I was so excited, but nervous. I was stunned...you might say dazed. I was filled with only on thought at the moment, and for a little while afterwards.

I will do anything for you.

I probably won't publish this blog post for some time.

Henry and I are keeping a secret.

A few weeks ago we met a troubled young woman who is pregnant, and planning to give her baby up for adoption. She's lovely...just not in a position to care for a child at this point in her life. She's done this once before...given a baby up for adoption. She went through an agency the first time.

A few weeks ago, though, she met with us, and she likes us. She said that she wanted to give the baby up to people who couldn't have a baby of their own this time. We certainly fit the bill.

Henry and I have recently met with an adoption attorney who was referred to us by some great friends. All systems are go, it seems. It's all only a matter of contracts and paperwork.

Something that strikes me is that it's funny how dreams seem so organic and natural, but that this making mine and Henry's dream of a family come true is going to be actualized by paperwork.

You've gotta laugh at things like that sometime. The universe works in mysterious ways. We can only be ready when something good comes our way. And this is good!!!

So, that's that. We went to our first doctor's appointment today. It was cool. Very "fly on the wall" feeling. We'll be there at every one of these from now on...through the end of November.

Cross your fingers, Friends...

Hurry Up and Wait...

I'm back! Where were we?

Oh! I know...

Picture it. Fort Lauderdale...Mid/Late-April. Henry and I have only just recently completed our 30 hour/10 week M.A.P.P. class with Childnet.

Not having a 3 hour class every Thursday feels like vacation!!!

But wait! We did take a little vacation after it was over. My first ever visit to NYC.

But anyway...

So, we've made the decision to jump from the idea of just straight adoption to moving forward to become licensed foster parents.

Our file has been transferred from one agency to the other.

After our schedule has been super packed for the first 3 months of the year with work being busy and having our Wednesday nights taken up by being in class until 10pm, I am not mad at the fact that we have to wait until the May to begin the next phase in our plan of action(which includes a Water Safety course, a CPR class, and a couple of other evenings sitting in with the latest graduating class from our future foster care agency, Kids In Distress).

My Mother's here for her yearly visit when suddenly the phone rings...

It's Kids In Distress calling(on a Monday)...

They have had a "drop-out" among the files that they are submitting for approval for the month of April.

They like the look of our file.

Can we be ready to do our State-Required "home study" by the end of the week?

Now, let's back this up for one second. They called us on Monday of the last week in April, and they want to know if we can be ready for our "Home Study," which requires an enormous amount work (painting, decorating, childproofing, the purchase of a bed/crib) on Friday.

Did I mention that we're working this entire work week? While my Mother's here visiting?

Are you kidding me?!!?

Yes. The answer is yes.

The really cool thing about this whirlwind that we found ourselves on for this week is that now we have a little person's room at our house instead of an office...officially!!! My Mom got to go shopping with me for cribs, toddler beds, and bed linens for both. There were paint color decisions to be made, cabinet latches to install, and the fact that we had to lock up all the cleaning supplies and booze in the house!!!

It was crazy.

It was nice.

Don't get me wrong. It was a lot of work.

The "Home Study" went fine. We passed with flying colors, only having to redo a couple of the things that needed a little extra tweaking.

However, we did still have to sit in on few classes with the newest crop of prospective foster parents. We had to arrange to take a private CPR class. We had to do a rush Water Safety course. I had to learn to put new screen in windows so that we would be able to open our windows for ventilation. Henry had to put latches on our back yard gates. Blah, blah, blah...

So we're ready.

But now we're beginning a stretch of life that's making us "slaves" to the Bureaucracy. Since completing our "Home Study," we're kind of at the mercy of the shuffling of papers across desks from here to Tallahassee, Signatures from this or that person at this or that office, e-mails zipping from computer to computer, and the tense laughter (at our impatient jokes) by people who know how anxious/excited we are to GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!

Your Father making your room look nice...Check!!!

Your own personal guard dog...Check!!!

A place to lay your little head...Check!!!

Long Time, No See..

Okay, I've got a lot to say, but before I begin...this is the look that I've been getting from my Husband for the last couple of months as he's been encouraging me to blog again.
What can I say? We've been busy...hence the new blogpost.

Let's get this party started!!!!!

Late last year, Henry and I found ourselves sitting in a room full of other couples and some singles at an orientation meeting at ChildNet.

ChildNet is the "private, not for profit organization created to manage the child welfare system in Broward County in Florida."

That night last October we got what we considered to be a lot of information on the new possibility of our adopting through the state of Florida. We learned that in order to adopt through the State that we would be required to complete a M.A.P.P.(a 30 hour/ 10 week Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting class that prospective adoptive parents are required to successfully complete). We also learned that the next of these classes was going to be starting at ChildNet in January of 2011.

We wouldn't find out whether we had been fortunate enough to make it into that very next M.A.P.P. class until just after the first of the year.

Have I not mentioned in this blog that my biological clock is TICKING?

Needless to say, we made it in.

I think that I've said it before, but I have this sense that the World moves for Henry and I. Obstacles are no longer obstacles, and the Universe provides a way.

Now, before I get too spiritual, let me say that our admission to this M.A.P.P. class would prove to be one of the coolest experiences that I've ever had.

When January rolled around and this class started, we found ourselves in the first GAY M.A.P.P. class(well, there was one heterosexual couple...) that ChildNet had ever hosted!!!

AMAZING!!!

Let's just remember, friends and followers, that last year this time, there was still an actual Constitutional Ban in the State of Florida that prevented openly gay people from adopting children...just to keep things in perspective.

Every week, we all learned something new. As a group we discussed topics like Helping Children with Attachments, Understanding the Impact of Fostering or Adopting, Helping Children with Birth Family Connections, Helping Children Manage Their Behaviors, and also whether adoption or foster care was the right route for us.

From our two Class Facilitators we learned about the System, and we learned about the children in the care of the System. They shared their own "war stories(having both been working with children and organizations such as ChildNet for many many years)." Class often descended into discussions prompted by individual questions, and I believe that the forum that we all provided one another was a tremendous comfort, both intellectually and on and emotional level, during the course of the class.

If any of your ever get the chance to read this...WE MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Henry and I made a decision during M.A.P.P.(after much soul searching and discussion) that we were going to opt for foster care as a path to adoption. We had learned that nearly all of the children in the care of the State who are cleared for adoption are older than toddler age. We might find ourselves waiting forever if we hoped for a brand new baby to adopt immediately.

They're like unicorns!!!

Henry and I had talked at length about what we wanted for our family, and about what we thought that we could realistically handle. We discussed at length the issues that could be at play with even a five year old child after having been in the care of the State for years. We also decided that we want to raise a child. We want as "whole" life as possible with a little one. Additionally, we talked about the fact that we share a belief that a child with two fathers might need a little extra confidence building before they get to school age and the world starts to push and pull at them for being different.

Yadda, yadda, yadda...so we want to be Foster Parents.

That brings us up to March of this year...stay tuned.

Some of the ABC's of private adoption...

hi friends!!!

this is going to be a good one, so put your seat belts on!

where to begin...so far i've blogged a little about surrogacy, adoption impossibilities, state laws, and our joy at the sudden change in those laws which make the aforementioned adoption impossibilities in the state of Florida null and void.

so, we're happy. one more example of the "world getting out of our way." Henry and i are magic!!!

well, us magicians, we have this fabulous client who used to facilitate adoptions, and do home studies, and get kids placed in homes. she's been an amazing sounding-board for all kinds of questions that Henry and i come up with between her every-four-week visits to the salon.

she knows that we'll be wonderful parents.

she's on our "team."

before her last trip to the salon a few weeks ago, she calls hysterically excited and leaves us a message on the salon voicemail. she's met this woman at her nail salon and has had this discussion about adoption with several of the women there. she has the name of a social worker/psychotherapist who does what she used to.

she places babies.

she works with an array of adoption attorneys.

she places babies usually within one year.

so, we schedule a meeting...veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery eye-opening to say the least.

Henry and i go into this very excited based on what we've heard.

now, one thing that's interesting to note is that this woman had never met with another gay couple before. the whole adoption ban has only just now changed in Florida. i find it hilarious that she even had to go through the trouble of changing all of the necessary pronouns and hubby/wife bits on our paperwork.

we're trailblazers!!!

she's great. she asks us some questions about ourselves individually, and then about us as a couple...basic things regarding our upbringing, our education, our work, why we want to be fathers...that sort of thing. we tell her about how we met, how long we've been together, and a little "this and that" about how fabulous our life together is.

i should note...and you might find this funny...Henry and i sat on separate sofas in her office at the beginning of our session/ interview...something that i could tell that both of us were a little hesitant to correct once we'd sat down, but that, we admitted to one another later, worried us.

did we seem distant or detached from one another??? or somehow not unified???

of course, we blew through the whole thing with flying colors!!!

we're cool guys.

but...

yeah she places kids...yeah she has connections with attorneys all over the state....and they get paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid!!!!! do you hear me??? paid.

again, i end up flabbergasted that our quest has lead us to a $20-60,000 price tag.

i know that i constantly harp on this, but i'l never get over it.

so much money!!!!

that said, she did give us tons of info.

we got to find out how the private adoption business works.

holy shit!!!

i thought that the whole outsourcing of surrogacy to India was disturbing!

these lawyers advertise to women who are pregnant. some of them arrange for these women to be "put up," and to have their bills paid and their medical expenses taken care of during the course of their pregnancies. don't get me wrong. there's no way that i think that someone shouldn't be compensated for their "trouble" not matter what we're talking about, but this was alarming.

we learn that some of the lawyers are more or less involved in the girls' lives while they are pregnant. some make sure that they get back and forth to their doctor appointments. they help them with jobs, if they choose to work while "with child."

quite a racket, huh?

something else shocking was that we found out that there is only so much "say so" that anyone (adoptive parent, attorney, or doctor) can do about whatever behavior these young ladies get into while pregnant...i.e. smoking, drinking, drugs...

also shocking...some of these women get pregnant over and over again...they live like this!!!

at any rate, our meeting ends with my head spinning, some recommended reading, and the freedom to contact her if we have any questions...or a check for 60 grand.

joel

For Your Father on His Forty-Seventh Birthday...

you know i don't believe in much.

my personality will only let me appear

just so spiritual,

and i'm far from "touchy-feely,"

but i believe in me

and i believe in you.

i have faith in the life we're making

because you make me better than i am,

and for whatever reason

my "crazy" hasn't scared you off just yet.

i believe our love clears the way

for infinite possibilities

for a family, travel to far-flung places,

fits of hysterical laughter,

quiet mornings reading the paper,

and the two of us

turning into old men together.

i believe "the world just gets out of our way"

so that our dreams can come true.

just us, just you, just me.

j.

two e-mails...

hi there friends! my apologies for having gone so long between this post and my last. i felt that i had reached a little bit of an impasse and i wasn't sure how to proceed.

while super excited to be finding out all of the information i had been able to learn about the possibility of international surrogacy cutting down the cost of my Henry and i having a child, we still just don't have thousands of dollars lying around. and i have to admit that i was a little upset to find that, at the time of my inquiry, it was actually illegal for an adoption agency to even place a child with Henry and i due to the fact that we live in the state of Florida.

i have to say that when i found that it was illegal to adopt privately because of where i currently live, i was shocked and a little depressed. as i say above, i felt that i had reached a point where i had no other options since Henry and i aren't moving anywhere else anytime soon.

i also have to share that placing a monetary amount on my ability to have a family, with regards to the idea of surrogacy, doesn't feel good. it's feels miserable, actually. and i also found it sad to feel like i was even beginning to perceive what i had in mind as "buying" a baby.

well...things have changed.

i'll share a quick story...something that i will remember for the rest of my life, especially if i become a father through whatever process.

Henry and i were recently on vacation. we visited some cousins who still live in the town in Spain where his grandparents were from. we spent some time in Morocco and all over the south of Spain.

it was magic!!! a welcome distraction from the "funk" i was in.

anyway, we happened to be on the last stop of our trip. coming home was just on our horizon when i checked my e-mail one morning in Granada, Spain. i had two e-mails telling me basically the same thing.

now, i was aware of a court case here in Florida in which a judge in Miami had declared the decades-old ban on gays adopting unconstitutional. but i guess it had been making it's way through the court system in the state to higher and higher courts. like i said, i was aware, but wasn't sure if i had any faith in the state of Florida making any serious changes.

i was wrong!

both e-mails were from lovely women i know letting me know that evidently this case had made it to a high-enough court and that the final ruling was that this ban was actually unconstitutional.

it was over! gays would be allowed to adopt in Florida! the state had thirty days to appeal this decision, but at the time, the general consensus was that there would be no appeal. at the end of that thirty day mark, the ban would simply cease to be enforced.

so i was shocked.

but i was also stricken by how wonderful my life is. things happen for Henry and i. things work out. i always say to Henry that "the world gets out of our way" so that good things can happen for us.

sudden optimism? me? after being so saddened by my research to this point?

don't be such a cynical a-hole, Joel!

things do change, even in Florida.

now, i'm not going to say that i'm living in a place of restored faith, since my state doesn't recognize my marriage, but...i'm operating from a hopeful place.

j.