Long Time, No See..

Okay, I've got a lot to say, but before I begin...this is the look that I've been getting from my Husband for the last couple of months as he's been encouraging me to blog again.
What can I say? We've been busy...hence the new blogpost.

Let's get this party started!!!!!

Late last year, Henry and I found ourselves sitting in a room full of other couples and some singles at an orientation meeting at ChildNet.

ChildNet is the "private, not for profit organization created to manage the child welfare system in Broward County in Florida."

That night last October we got what we considered to be a lot of information on the new possibility of our adopting through the state of Florida. We learned that in order to adopt through the State that we would be required to complete a M.A.P.P.(a 30 hour/ 10 week Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting class that prospective adoptive parents are required to successfully complete). We also learned that the next of these classes was going to be starting at ChildNet in January of 2011.

We wouldn't find out whether we had been fortunate enough to make it into that very next M.A.P.P. class until just after the first of the year.

Have I not mentioned in this blog that my biological clock is TICKING?

Needless to say, we made it in.

I think that I've said it before, but I have this sense that the World moves for Henry and I. Obstacles are no longer obstacles, and the Universe provides a way.

Now, before I get too spiritual, let me say that our admission to this M.A.P.P. class would prove to be one of the coolest experiences that I've ever had.

When January rolled around and this class started, we found ourselves in the first GAY M.A.P.P. class(well, there was one heterosexual couple...) that ChildNet had ever hosted!!!

AMAZING!!!

Let's just remember, friends and followers, that last year this time, there was still an actual Constitutional Ban in the State of Florida that prevented openly gay people from adopting children...just to keep things in perspective.

Every week, we all learned something new. As a group we discussed topics like Helping Children with Attachments, Understanding the Impact of Fostering or Adopting, Helping Children with Birth Family Connections, Helping Children Manage Their Behaviors, and also whether adoption or foster care was the right route for us.

From our two Class Facilitators we learned about the System, and we learned about the children in the care of the System. They shared their own "war stories(having both been working with children and organizations such as ChildNet for many many years)." Class often descended into discussions prompted by individual questions, and I believe that the forum that we all provided one another was a tremendous comfort, both intellectually and on and emotional level, during the course of the class.

If any of your ever get the chance to read this...WE MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Henry and I made a decision during M.A.P.P.(after much soul searching and discussion) that we were going to opt for foster care as a path to adoption. We had learned that nearly all of the children in the care of the State who are cleared for adoption are older than toddler age. We might find ourselves waiting forever if we hoped for a brand new baby to adopt immediately.

They're like unicorns!!!

Henry and I had talked at length about what we wanted for our family, and about what we thought that we could realistically handle. We discussed at length the issues that could be at play with even a five year old child after having been in the care of the State for years. We also decided that we want to raise a child. We want as "whole" life as possible with a little one. Additionally, we talked about the fact that we share a belief that a child with two fathers might need a little extra confidence building before they get to school age and the world starts to push and pull at them for being different.

Yadda, yadda, yadda...so we want to be Foster Parents.

That brings us up to March of this year...stay tuned.

Some of the ABC's of private adoption...

hi friends!!!

this is going to be a good one, so put your seat belts on!

where to begin...so far i've blogged a little about surrogacy, adoption impossibilities, state laws, and our joy at the sudden change in those laws which make the aforementioned adoption impossibilities in the state of Florida null and void.

so, we're happy. one more example of the "world getting out of our way." Henry and i are magic!!!

well, us magicians, we have this fabulous client who used to facilitate adoptions, and do home studies, and get kids placed in homes. she's been an amazing sounding-board for all kinds of questions that Henry and i come up with between her every-four-week visits to the salon.

she knows that we'll be wonderful parents.

she's on our "team."

before her last trip to the salon a few weeks ago, she calls hysterically excited and leaves us a message on the salon voicemail. she's met this woman at her nail salon and has had this discussion about adoption with several of the women there. she has the name of a social worker/psychotherapist who does what she used to.

she places babies.

she works with an array of adoption attorneys.

she places babies usually within one year.

so, we schedule a meeting...veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery eye-opening to say the least.

Henry and i go into this very excited based on what we've heard.

now, one thing that's interesting to note is that this woman had never met with another gay couple before. the whole adoption ban has only just now changed in Florida. i find it hilarious that she even had to go through the trouble of changing all of the necessary pronouns and hubby/wife bits on our paperwork.

we're trailblazers!!!

she's great. she asks us some questions about ourselves individually, and then about us as a couple...basic things regarding our upbringing, our education, our work, why we want to be fathers...that sort of thing. we tell her about how we met, how long we've been together, and a little "this and that" about how fabulous our life together is.

i should note...and you might find this funny...Henry and i sat on separate sofas in her office at the beginning of our session/ interview...something that i could tell that both of us were a little hesitant to correct once we'd sat down, but that, we admitted to one another later, worried us.

did we seem distant or detached from one another??? or somehow not unified???

of course, we blew through the whole thing with flying colors!!!

we're cool guys.

but...

yeah she places kids...yeah she has connections with attorneys all over the state....and they get paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid!!!!! do you hear me??? paid.

again, i end up flabbergasted that our quest has lead us to a $20-60,000 price tag.

i know that i constantly harp on this, but i'l never get over it.

so much money!!!!

that said, she did give us tons of info.

we got to find out how the private adoption business works.

holy shit!!!

i thought that the whole outsourcing of surrogacy to India was disturbing!

these lawyers advertise to women who are pregnant. some of them arrange for these women to be "put up," and to have their bills paid and their medical expenses taken care of during the course of their pregnancies. don't get me wrong. there's no way that i think that someone shouldn't be compensated for their "trouble" not matter what we're talking about, but this was alarming.

we learn that some of the lawyers are more or less involved in the girls' lives while they are pregnant. some make sure that they get back and forth to their doctor appointments. they help them with jobs, if they choose to work while "with child."

quite a racket, huh?

something else shocking was that we found out that there is only so much "say so" that anyone (adoptive parent, attorney, or doctor) can do about whatever behavior these young ladies get into while pregnant...i.e. smoking, drinking, drugs...

also shocking...some of these women get pregnant over and over again...they live like this!!!

at any rate, our meeting ends with my head spinning, some recommended reading, and the freedom to contact her if we have any questions...or a check for 60 grand.

joel

For Your Father on His Forty-Seventh Birthday...

you know i don't believe in much.

my personality will only let me appear

just so spiritual,

and i'm far from "touchy-feely,"

but i believe in me

and i believe in you.

i have faith in the life we're making

because you make me better than i am,

and for whatever reason

my "crazy" hasn't scared you off just yet.

i believe our love clears the way

for infinite possibilities

for a family, travel to far-flung places,

fits of hysterical laughter,

quiet mornings reading the paper,

and the two of us

turning into old men together.

i believe "the world just gets out of our way"

so that our dreams can come true.

just us, just you, just me.

j.

two e-mails...

hi there friends! my apologies for having gone so long between this post and my last. i felt that i had reached a little bit of an impasse and i wasn't sure how to proceed.

while super excited to be finding out all of the information i had been able to learn about the possibility of international surrogacy cutting down the cost of my Henry and i having a child, we still just don't have thousands of dollars lying around. and i have to admit that i was a little upset to find that, at the time of my inquiry, it was actually illegal for an adoption agency to even place a child with Henry and i due to the fact that we live in the state of Florida.

i have to say that when i found that it was illegal to adopt privately because of where i currently live, i was shocked and a little depressed. as i say above, i felt that i had reached a point where i had no other options since Henry and i aren't moving anywhere else anytime soon.

i also have to share that placing a monetary amount on my ability to have a family, with regards to the idea of surrogacy, doesn't feel good. it's feels miserable, actually. and i also found it sad to feel like i was even beginning to perceive what i had in mind as "buying" a baby.

well...things have changed.

i'll share a quick story...something that i will remember for the rest of my life, especially if i become a father through whatever process.

Henry and i were recently on vacation. we visited some cousins who still live in the town in Spain where his grandparents were from. we spent some time in Morocco and all over the south of Spain.

it was magic!!! a welcome distraction from the "funk" i was in.

anyway, we happened to be on the last stop of our trip. coming home was just on our horizon when i checked my e-mail one morning in Granada, Spain. i had two e-mails telling me basically the same thing.

now, i was aware of a court case here in Florida in which a judge in Miami had declared the decades-old ban on gays adopting unconstitutional. but i guess it had been making it's way through the court system in the state to higher and higher courts. like i said, i was aware, but wasn't sure if i had any faith in the state of Florida making any serious changes.

i was wrong!

both e-mails were from lovely women i know letting me know that evidently this case had made it to a high-enough court and that the final ruling was that this ban was actually unconstitutional.

it was over! gays would be allowed to adopt in Florida! the state had thirty days to appeal this decision, but at the time, the general consensus was that there would be no appeal. at the end of that thirty day mark, the ban would simply cease to be enforced.

so i was shocked.

but i was also stricken by how wonderful my life is. things happen for Henry and i. things work out. i always say to Henry that "the world gets out of our way" so that good things can happen for us.

sudden optimism? me? after being so saddened by my research to this point?

don't be such a cynical a-hole, Joel!

things do change, even in Florida.

now, i'm not going to say that i'm living in a place of restored faith, since my state doesn't recognize my marriage, but...i'm operating from a hopeful place.

j.

paper in my pocket...

the other day i was feeling a little melancholy about the fact that i fell like i'm at a bit of a roadblock with regards to this blog, and my next steps on the journey to parenthood...so i wrote down a little girl's name and a little boy's name on a piece of paper, and i stuck it in my wallet.

i won't tell you the names. you'll all meet them one day. i promise.

i just needed a little positive affirmation for when i feel down.

starting this Blog has inspired to me to look into and to become a part of (or active in)organizations which are making moves in the fight for marriage equality and for getting adoption laws changed in our state. hopefully our upcoming vacation to Spain and Morocco will be restful and galvanizing for the both of us. i'm very excited to get involved...which you shall all hear about in due time.

joel

maybe it's just me...

hi friends! here we go again...put your seatbelts on.

i've got a couple of things on my mind. most of them is the result of a many conversations that i've had, but i'm going to start with a recent one i had with a lovely friend of mine, but i'm probably going to ramble on a bit, once i get started...

so, i'm chatting with my girlfriend and i mention that i've started this Blog, and that's it's been really fun getting some of my thoughts, feelings, and some of the information that i've gathered out there for the world to see. i think that i must have forgotten to tell her when i got this show on the road, so i had to catch her up on everything that i've learned. i basically ran down every post that i've made so far...

now, for the purposes of this post and not offending any of the wonderful people that i have ever had the pleasure of discussing any of my possible methods of becoming a father, i plan on funneling my reaction to this particular conversation into an amalgam of reactions that i've felt during others that were similar...i've been having these conversations for a while now...i've educated plenty of people on some of the topics i'm covering in this Blog...i know that i am surrounded by wonderful listeners...i love you all.

that said, i'm having this conversation...and i've already covered the absolute "no" on gays adopting within the state of Florida. we've already moved on to the subject of surrogacy, which everyone is so quick to bring up, by the way. i'm telling her about the outsourcing of surrogacy to India, and how expensive it can be here in the States...blah blah blah...when i tell her how much it can cost, she poops her pants!!!

just kidding!!!

but she is flabbergasted. as am i. i can hadly believe it when i speak the words "one-hundred-and-forty-thousand-dollars" in the same sentence with, "how much it could cost me to become a father."

people have no clue...about lots of things.

i'm finding that none of us really have any clue about things that don't affect us. i include myself in this. i have no clue how much it would cost to put a child into private school, or to send one to college these days. i have no idea how much it rains in Spain this time of year...yadda, yadda...

but lately, i'm also finding that i'm having this irritated reaction to the fact that people have no clue about the costs of these things that are going to directly affect me.

i am going to have to pay to become a father. i will either have to move in order to adopt a child through another State, or to have one placed with me in a more-costly Private Adoption. i have to understand that here, for now, i am somehow less-than most of my fellow citizens, in the eyes of the Law. i may have to pay astronomical sums of money to have a baby using a surrogate. i may have to somehow wrap my head around the idea of "baby-farming" in order to get the family that i have always dreamed of. i am, though, realizing that maybe this is me being quite self-involved at the moment.

this is my journey.

welcome.

farther along in this conversation, another little something popped up...a question..."do you know anyone that you could ask to have the baby for you?"

um, no.

listen, i know that there're people out there who have wonderful friends who have done this for them. i've seen the movies, and read the happy ending stories. i know that some women might jump at the chance to do something amazing like this for friends that mean the world to them...men that they might look at as being the perfect guys to be a father to some deserving child.

i wish it was me.

i just don't have those friends.

this isn't the first time that someone has thrown something like this out to Henry and i. several acquaintances have told us that we should just find someone to "have a baby for us."

how does this happen?!! who does this?!!

what aggravates me is that something that is so easy for some people, making a family...having children...is such an up-hill battle for Henry and i. it is not my "birth-right" to have a child. i cannot do it on my own. for now, i cannot adopt a child that needs a loving home. it's unfair, and it makes me cry...but it only makes me want to be a father more.

and another thing...there's this suggestion that people throw out sometimes that we should just have a kid with someone, and make this new sort of family unit...like it's that easy!!? two dads and a mom...hmmm...or maybe the idea that two gay guys finding two lesbians who want a family also is some sort of gay "ideal family" that people think that we want.

not for nothing...why would two women, who could get pregnant on their own should they choose, want to hitch their wagons to those of two men in order to create this giant multi-parent family? that'd be even harder for the crazy right-wing conservatives to figure out than just the idea of two women or two men wanting to raise families!!!

i want to raise my kind of family. i don't want to make this giant gay commune-type family. i can't imagine anyone thinking that this would be something that would be the "best-case scenario" for a couple of gay guys or gals.

i married my husband just like Mrs. So-and-So married hers...and i want to raise a family with him, not he, and a few of our friends.

but maybe it's just me...

my biological clock...

i've had a few days to think about this...to digest having come so close to what could be an answer to the question of "How the hell are Henry and i going to have a baby?!!"

a few nights ago, i spoke to Doron Mamet Of Tammuz International Surrogacy, founder of a company that was the subject of a documentary that i've mentioned in this blog a few times before. he had graciously stayed up until around one o'clock in the morning in Isreal to give me a call to chat about his company and the services they offer.

it was very interesting to speak with him. i was a little starstruck, if that makes sense. he is a gay man. he is a father. he and his partner wanted a child, and finally decided to go with surrogacy as a means to build their family. i definitely felt a connection and a level of understanding there.

he has what i have always wanted.

Doron gave me tons of information to think about. he elaborated on much of the information that i'd already checked out on his website, which helped because i instantly forgot most of the questions that i had for him as soon as we started speaking(i really should write things down!!!). he answered some questions about timeline, finances, and exactly how thing would work, should Henry and i choose to use his company to move forward. i have his e-mail, should any additional questions come to mind. basically, no muss, no fuss. they're there when we're ready. hmmmm...

i think that i would like to have had Henry on the phone with me when i spoke with Doron. i think that i would love for him to have been a part of the questions that i had to ask, but i am the one of us writing this blog. i am the one experiencing my own feelings and excitement...and occasional disappointments.

i felt a little weird when i'd gotten off of the phone. i had all of this energy coming out of my ears, and was breathlessly tying to explain to Henry my entire twenty minute conversation as fast as possible. he sat and listened, but he wasn't ready to jump though the ceiling like me...

Henry is very much of the mind that, when we are meant to have a child, it will happen easily.

i am a bit more aggressive, and forceful, one might say...or compulsive.

fine.

i just think that my biological clock is ticking, and i'm perfectly willing to push to get what i want in life.

after recently coming to the realization that there's no way for me to adopt, as long as i live in the backwards state that i live in, i'm excited that there's an option for us. i'm excited!!!

that's me.

it's just that i feel really amazing at this point in my life. i am married to an amazing man. we have an unbelievably magical life with one another...which could only be made more wonderful by having babies, and raising a family.

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

joel