if i didn't know, now i know...

this post finds my heart a little heavy. i got an unintentionally "ugly" e-mail today.

you see, friends, i spent the afternoon yesterday "Googling" gay-friendly adoption agencies. i got a little excited, and just started cranking out the "information request" forms. it was fun, but if you knew me, you'd know that i can get a little obsessive, a lot quickly...i was feelin' it!!!

now, please know that i know that i am only at the beginnings of my journey into parenthood. i'm very clear on that(even though i want it, and i want it now). i understand that i have much more searching before i find the pathway that ends up being the right one for Henry and i. there're tons of resources out there, loads of people to talk to, and plenty of understanding hearts to help me along the way...but, as i said, i got an e-mail today...it was in response to my inquiry, of course...and it has made me sad...

"Greetings,

Thank you for your interest in the Independent Adoption Center. We
received your information request and I have attached some articles
regarding adoption and our agency that I hope you will find helpful.

I noticed on your web request it was indicated you had been looking for
information on same-sex couple adoptions in Florida. While our agency has no
exclusionary policies based on sexual orientation and support same-sex
parent adoptions, at this time Florida prohibits same-sex parents from
adopting; this law prevents us from facilitating your adoption plans at this
time."

shit. thanks.

i know that i live in florida...one of the most backwards states in the nation...my marriage is not recognized, and is actually illegal here...and it is, in fact, illegal for me to adopt through the state(and clearly illegal for some agencies to even deal with Henry and i).

this is hard.

i left my hometown when i was a young man because i was an "alien" there. i didn't belong. i liken it to a scenario in which i was a transplant-organ being violently rejected by it's new body...

i haven't felt like that in a long time.

i live in the state of florida. i own a business in the city that i live in. i pay taxes to the united states government, and have for my whole adult life. i registered for selective services when i was an 18 year old boy, still in high school. i vote. i do everything that i'm supposed to, as an american.

and i am a second-class citizen.

it feels like having the "wind knocked out of me" when that's brought to my attention, yet again.

i'm not going to rant and rave about that, though. i choose to move forward. i choose to look for another way to make the family that i dream of. i choose to "Google" more gay-friendly adoptions agencies, and to research surrogacy more in-depthly. i choose to make more friends, and to pile more and more people who love me on top of the ones that i already have. i choose to "be the change that i wish to see in the world." i choose to find a way.

but my heart is broken...a little...

a chit chat with my mom...

So, yesterday evening I had a nice, long chat with my Mom. I was telling her all about having started this blog(she hasn't read anything on here yet...she's not very internet-savy), and what it's going to be about, yadda yadda yadda...She's excited, needless to say. She just wants a grandkid!!!

I wanted to run by her the idea of this documentary, Google Baby, some thoughts on using a surrogate, and the fact that I had contacted TAMMUZ.COM to find out a little more about how their whole operation works.

side note:I have been contacted by that company. We're in the process of setting up a time for a conference call to chat. I'm sure I'll have more on that subject very soon. Maybe I can get him to send me a copy of the documentary so I can see it!!!

Okay! Right! Back on topic.

So, in discussion with my Mom, I told her that I had some weird feelings about using a surrogate. Especially one all the way around the world in India. I expressed that I thought that I'd also have similar feelings about using a surrogate here in the United States. The only difference for us using an American surrogate, I guess, would be the fact that I would be a little more able to be a "part" of the pregnancy. you know, calling every so often to see how things were going, bothering her by telling her not to work to hard, etc...

I basically feel strange about the idea of baby farming...But then, I am a very matter-of-fact guy...

My Mom's take on the whole thing is, that if Henry and I have a baby, through adoption or surrogacy...everything, whichever process we choose, is a means to an end. The end result being...Henry and I having the family that both of us dream about. And isn't that what all this is all about?

I think it is...

I think that everyone I could ask about any of this would have something different to say... something about adoption, and where from, that might make someone nervous...something about which surrogacy service and their methods that might creep someone else out. But it is my path.

Only Henry and I can say what's right for the two of us. And in general, I think that there are parts of my journey that might not sit well with lots of people...We can only follow our heats. Henry and I, and loads of other families looking into adoption or surrogacy, are swimming upstream here. This is our New Frontier, our Outer Space, our 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea. There're no rules...except ones that prevent us from adoption, or even being legally married, in our own state(Florida) for us to follow.

But I intend on having what is rightfully mine, in this world, before anyone tells me I'm allowed to have it...then I'll give 'em all the finger while pushing 2 babies in a stoller, while Henry has one on his shoulders, and is holding the hand of another...

Joel

just a little thank you...

okay, so i'm going on and on about this blog on my facebook page and i just wanted to share a little bit of the love that has been sent our way. i'm not using the names of our friends, but i am going to use their exact quotes...

"I love it! Best of luck with your journey!"

"You are what I've always wanted"...so beautifully said. Any child would be lucky you have you. And your mom rocks"

"I can't wait to read more as you continue this journey."

"JOEL,, I AM NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU REMEMBER WHO I AM... BUT I REMEMBER YOU AND WE HAD MANY GOOD FUN TIMES TOGETHER. ANYWAY,, THE POINT TO THIS MESSAGE IS I READ YOUR BLOG,, WHICH I REALLY ENJOYED BY THE WAY... AND I SAW WHERE YOU AND HENRY WANT TO HAVE A CHILD. I THINK THAT IS THE BEST THING EVER.. SO PRECIOUS! I DO NOT KNOW ANY OTHER WAY TO SAY THIS EXCEPT JUST SAY IT,, ONLY BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO OFFEND YOU...BUT MY AUNT IS IN A SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP,, AND WELL THEY HAVE A LITTLE GIRL! I KNOW THAT THIS MIGHT NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU,, BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE VERY VERY HAPPY WITH THEIR FAMILY AND ARE WONDERFUL PARENTS. BASICALLY... I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU WELL, AND TELL YOU THAT I THINK THAT IT IS SO PRECIOUS!"

"Hi Joel, I signed onto your blog and read the first paragraph and my eyes filled up with tears. I look forward to watching your progress. My story may not be the same, but I tried for years to have my Sophia so I understand the want and "need" to be a parent. There is nothing more fullfilling. The road may not be smooth, but well worth the hard work. I'm sure you have wonderful support, but want you to know I am here if you are looking for more! Much love to you and Henry. XO"

you guys will never know how lovely it feels to be surrounded by so much love at the beginning of a journey like this. it's wonderful to know that henry and i have so many people who think so highly of us that you take the time to say so. thank you, thank you, thank you all so very much...and not just those that are showing us love on facebook, but to those of you who are commenting right here on my blog.

joel

My introduction to the idea of outsourcing...

Hi Friends! Below you'll find the theatrical trailer for the HBO documentary Google Baby...

Now, let me tell you why this is interesting.

So a good friend(and client) comes in to the Salon the other day...blah blah blah...we're chatting like normal...blah blah blah...and I mention to her that I'm starting this blog, and she gets super excited. She loves Henry and I, and she's just sure that we'd make fabulous parents.

But that's what everyone who loves us is going to say!!!

I love it!

A quick aside...you all will never know what the positive statements and the well-wishes coming to us from people in our world mean...

So back to this conversation with our friend...she's just seen this documentary on HBO called Google Baby, and says that we must check it out.

So I did...I Googled it.

Now, of course, she'd explained to us what this documentary was about, and that peaked my interest. Come to find out that the movie is all about outsourcing surrogacy to India.

Yes. You heard me right. Outsourcing.

I haven't seen it yet, but I will.

I did, however, check out the company that's profiled in the film and to paraphrase, yes...they are outsourcing the surrogacy process in order to cut costs. I'm not sure if it's common knowledge(and everyone always says, "You guys should totally use a surrogate!"), but it can be super expensive!!! To the "tune" of $150,000 expensive!!!

I checked out the company at TAMMUZ.COM.

The company's owner(a gay Israeli who went through the process if surrogacy, and did spend the aforementioned wads of money with his partner), lays out a pretty upfront personal statement face-front on the company's website. It also goes into some brief explanations about costs, donors, the surrogates, etc...

So I filled out an information request form, and we shall see. But from the information I found on their website, they can cut the cost of having a baby using an Indian surrogate in half(and maybe more) depending on what "plan" you choose.

Yes, I said which "plan" you choose!!!

I have to say that not spending the amount of money you could buy a house with just to have my dream of having a family come true is appealing. The possibility actually amazes me. It makes me excited. I have always wanted this, but it does make me a bit uncomfortable on a couple of different levels.

Maybe I'll discuss those a little more at length when I learn more about the company and it's methods. I'll let you all know when I get whatever information that they send my way.

Nice to meet you...

My name is Joel Batten-Amador. I'm 34 years old, and I grew up in the 1980's in a cute little town in North Carolina called Goldsboro. I spent my childhood there rather idyllically. I grew up in a place where I could play hide-and-seek in corn fields.

Really!!!

I was a part of this roving band of children comprised of myself and the children of my mother's good friends. We played outside after dark when the streetlights would come on, we climbed trees, jumped fences, and jumped out of swing-sets when we were going really high. We had it pretty good.

My Mom, Mary Jo, raised me on her own with a lot of help from my grandparents. Mary Jo was a pretty remarkable woman, but I'm sure most sons would say the same of their mothers. She is such a nurturer, and from my understanding, she always was. She was the kind of girl who baby-sat all the kids in her neighborhood or in her church community when she was a girl. She was a "Mommy," even when she was a young girl, even before she was my Mommy.

It was what she always wanted.

I think that she had a relatively normal adolescence and early adulthood. She got in trouble some, she was a "challenge" for my grandparents from time to time, but she grew into womanhood in similar fashion to most of her contemporaries.

In 1975 she got pregnant, and this is where things get interesting.

I now have to take just a moment to preface a bit with the fact that I never knew my father, and that my mother and I never talked about him very much.

That is a whole other blog!!!

For as long as I remember, and even now in my aduly life, I always imagined that questioning her regarding him might have been too painfl for her. I clearly remember being oblivious to the fact that my not having a father was anything to bat an eyelash at. I had a wonderful Grandfather(My Pop-Pop),and my Mom's brother(my Uncle Sammy) were both there to pick up the slack of my not having a dad by teaching me how to throw baseballs, footballs, and to change tires and things like that.

Please remember, I had a fabulous childhood.

Really.

My Mom was magic!!!

Or was that manic?

Who can remember?

Maybe a little of both.

But with regards to my Mother and father, I know this much...

She wanted me and he didn't.

That was that, and I don't think that they lasted much longer than it took for him to find out that she was pregnant, and for them to have that conversation.

I was what she had always wanted.

At any rate, I was born and went on to become quite a funny, smart, weird kid. I made it through junior high and high school without too many scars...well maybe I have a few, but that's a matter for my therapist and I once I become a famous author. I went to college primarily to get the hell out of a town that, at some point during my youth, had just become too damned small for me. In college, I net some of the most amazing people that I have ever known in my life! We did lots of drugs and had tons of fun in clubs and warehouses(used as club venues) all over the southest.

Excess and a little bit of my own personal "crazy" led me back to my hometown for a little rest from the life that I'd created for myself.

Oops!!!

Once back home, I promptly found myself another group of friends and a "healthy" new life of more drugs, but this time, I added tons of drinking to the mix.

I moved to Florida midway through my twenties, again trying to get the hell out of my hometown, and had a couple of good years before, yet again, moving back to Goldsboro.

This time I was fine, and feeling professional after having worked a job in corporate America for a while. This time i was going to cosmetology school, which I did, all while falling back into my "old routine."

Nice huh???

Barely surviving into my late twenties, I moved yet again back to Florida with the help of a great friend, who also helped my land a job at a high-end salon in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Now this is where my life takes a drastic turn. I meet someone, we have an amazing couple of years of getting to know one another, we become each others' best friends, and then we decide to get married. We spend a year planning it. We invite some of our closest friends and family up to Boston for an unforgettable wedding.

That was last year.

It is now the summer of 2010, we've been together since 2006(married for just under one year), and we have decided that we would like to have a baby.

There's just one problem...

We're gay!!!

Here i have to admit that I haven't been very passionate about much in my life up until now. I've had almost any job you could imagine, and some you'd never be able to imagine me doing, if you knew me. I tried college, rather unsuccessfully, a time or two. Nothing took until just about six years ago.

But I have always wanted to be a Father to a child. I think that a great deal of my desire to raise a child some from the fact that I had no actual father of my own, and I'm sure that there's issues involving this that I should probably discuss with that therapist one day.

But here and now, I find myself on the verge of a new frontier.

I've managed to survive the rigors of my early adulthood, and have somehow managed to find the man of my dreams.

He and I would love to have a family.

This is what I have always wanted.

You are what I have always wanted.

The subsequent blog entries are intended to be a blow-by-blow account of how My Henry and I figure out how to become parents. I plan on including my research on surrogacy, all sorts of adoption options, my own thoughts and feelings along the way, how we figured out who's last name you'd have, and anything else I can cram into the blogospehere(or in between two covers), and we begin our journey into parenthood and the next chapter in our lives. I'm going to write how I write, I'll write how I think, and I'll leave it to some fancy editor to sort out one day.