maybe it's just me...

hi friends! here we go again...put your seatbelts on.

i've got a couple of things on my mind. most of them is the result of a many conversations that i've had, but i'm going to start with a recent one i had with a lovely friend of mine, but i'm probably going to ramble on a bit, once i get started...

so, i'm chatting with my girlfriend and i mention that i've started this Blog, and that's it's been really fun getting some of my thoughts, feelings, and some of the information that i've gathered out there for the world to see. i think that i must have forgotten to tell her when i got this show on the road, so i had to catch her up on everything that i've learned. i basically ran down every post that i've made so far...

now, for the purposes of this post and not offending any of the wonderful people that i have ever had the pleasure of discussing any of my possible methods of becoming a father, i plan on funneling my reaction to this particular conversation into an amalgam of reactions that i've felt during others that were similar...i've been having these conversations for a while now...i've educated plenty of people on some of the topics i'm covering in this Blog...i know that i am surrounded by wonderful listeners...i love you all.

that said, i'm having this conversation...and i've already covered the absolute "no" on gays adopting within the state of Florida. we've already moved on to the subject of surrogacy, which everyone is so quick to bring up, by the way. i'm telling her about the outsourcing of surrogacy to India, and how expensive it can be here in the States...blah blah blah...when i tell her how much it can cost, she poops her pants!!!

just kidding!!!

but she is flabbergasted. as am i. i can hadly believe it when i speak the words "one-hundred-and-forty-thousand-dollars" in the same sentence with, "how much it could cost me to become a father."

people have no clue...about lots of things.

i'm finding that none of us really have any clue about things that don't affect us. i include myself in this. i have no clue how much it would cost to put a child into private school, or to send one to college these days. i have no idea how much it rains in Spain this time of year...yadda, yadda...

but lately, i'm also finding that i'm having this irritated reaction to the fact that people have no clue about the costs of these things that are going to directly affect me.

i am going to have to pay to become a father. i will either have to move in order to adopt a child through another State, or to have one placed with me in a more-costly Private Adoption. i have to understand that here, for now, i am somehow less-than most of my fellow citizens, in the eyes of the Law. i may have to pay astronomical sums of money to have a baby using a surrogate. i may have to somehow wrap my head around the idea of "baby-farming" in order to get the family that i have always dreamed of. i am, though, realizing that maybe this is me being quite self-involved at the moment.

this is my journey.

welcome.

farther along in this conversation, another little something popped up...a question..."do you know anyone that you could ask to have the baby for you?"

um, no.

listen, i know that there're people out there who have wonderful friends who have done this for them. i've seen the movies, and read the happy ending stories. i know that some women might jump at the chance to do something amazing like this for friends that mean the world to them...men that they might look at as being the perfect guys to be a father to some deserving child.

i wish it was me.

i just don't have those friends.

this isn't the first time that someone has thrown something like this out to Henry and i. several acquaintances have told us that we should just find someone to "have a baby for us."

how does this happen?!! who does this?!!

what aggravates me is that something that is so easy for some people, making a family...having children...is such an up-hill battle for Henry and i. it is not my "birth-right" to have a child. i cannot do it on my own. for now, i cannot adopt a child that needs a loving home. it's unfair, and it makes me cry...but it only makes me want to be a father more.

and another thing...there's this suggestion that people throw out sometimes that we should just have a kid with someone, and make this new sort of family unit...like it's that easy!!? two dads and a mom...hmmm...or maybe the idea that two gay guys finding two lesbians who want a family also is some sort of gay "ideal family" that people think that we want.

not for nothing...why would two women, who could get pregnant on their own should they choose, want to hitch their wagons to those of two men in order to create this giant multi-parent family? that'd be even harder for the crazy right-wing conservatives to figure out than just the idea of two women or two men wanting to raise families!!!

i want to raise my kind of family. i don't want to make this giant gay commune-type family. i can't imagine anyone thinking that this would be something that would be the "best-case scenario" for a couple of gay guys or gals.

i married my husband just like Mrs. So-and-So married hers...and i want to raise a family with him, not he, and a few of our friends.

but maybe it's just me...

my biological clock...

i've had a few days to think about this...to digest having come so close to what could be an answer to the question of "How the hell are Henry and i going to have a baby?!!"

a few nights ago, i spoke to Doron Mamet Of Tammuz International Surrogacy, founder of a company that was the subject of a documentary that i've mentioned in this blog a few times before. he had graciously stayed up until around one o'clock in the morning in Isreal to give me a call to chat about his company and the services they offer.

it was very interesting to speak with him. i was a little starstruck, if that makes sense. he is a gay man. he is a father. he and his partner wanted a child, and finally decided to go with surrogacy as a means to build their family. i definitely felt a connection and a level of understanding there.

he has what i have always wanted.

Doron gave me tons of information to think about. he elaborated on much of the information that i'd already checked out on his website, which helped because i instantly forgot most of the questions that i had for him as soon as we started speaking(i really should write things down!!!). he answered some questions about timeline, finances, and exactly how thing would work, should Henry and i choose to use his company to move forward. i have his e-mail, should any additional questions come to mind. basically, no muss, no fuss. they're there when we're ready. hmmmm...

i think that i would like to have had Henry on the phone with me when i spoke with Doron. i think that i would love for him to have been a part of the questions that i had to ask, but i am the one of us writing this blog. i am the one experiencing my own feelings and excitement...and occasional disappointments.

i felt a little weird when i'd gotten off of the phone. i had all of this energy coming out of my ears, and was breathlessly tying to explain to Henry my entire twenty minute conversation as fast as possible. he sat and listened, but he wasn't ready to jump though the ceiling like me...

Henry is very much of the mind that, when we are meant to have a child, it will happen easily.

i am a bit more aggressive, and forceful, one might say...or compulsive.

fine.

i just think that my biological clock is ticking, and i'm perfectly willing to push to get what i want in life.

after recently coming to the realization that there's no way for me to adopt, as long as i live in the backwards state that i live in, i'm excited that there's an option for us. i'm excited!!!

that's me.

it's just that i feel really amazing at this point in my life. i am married to an amazing man. we have an unbelievably magical life with one another...which could only be made more wonderful by having babies, and raising a family.

tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

joel

Florida Law

today is the day that i received a little clarification regarding Florida adoption law...uncertainty and my being just at the beginnings of my research on all things gay adoption/surrogacy lead me to contact a local attorney's office. the answer is as follows...

"Unfortunately, the Law does not permit a person in a homosexual relationship to adopt, wether from the state or privately. If a person is not in a homosexual relationship; i.e, cohabitating with a person of the same sex, then he or she may be able to adopt. Please call if you would like further clarification."

now, i think i thought i knew this, since the day that i got my first response from that adoption agency recently. i'm not suprised. i think i mourned a little that day...i did a little bit today when i got this repsonse, and i don't think that i need any more "clarification."

i'd read this same bullshit on some website or forum about someone not being in a relationship being able to slip through the cracks, and actually get a child placed with them for adoption. i also read some things about couples actually splitting up for a while in order to be able to adopt. All this based on the sympathies of some people who work within the system, and their personal openess and empathy with regards to gays who would be willing to use deception to build their families.

to that i say, there is no way i would go through the process of meeting someone, falling in love, becoming the best of friends, getting "hitched," and actually making the decision to make a family...just so that Henry and i could live in seperate houses and pretend not to be exactly what we are, MARRIED FAGS, in order to have a kid.

never fear friends...it's just a little "shot in the arm" for me. we have the will, so there will be a way.

joel